My name is Amie, and I'm a believer in Christ who struggles with love addiction, anxiety, and depression. I completed a 12 step recovery program, where together with my sisters in Christ and my sponsor, I admitted that I was powerless over my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life was unmanageable. As I waded through the traumas and terrible choices of my past, I started to recognize unhealthy patterns in my life.
I understood that anxiety about the future gripped my mind and paralyzed me. After I memorized the Serenity Prayer, I replayed these words over and over to help me overcome. "...Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will..."
During the study, Joel 2:25-28 and verse 30 became my hope and my comfort (emphasis mine).
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm—
my great army that I sent among you.
26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.
27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,
that I am the Lord your God,
and that there is no other;
never again will my people be shamed.
28 “And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions...
32 And everyone who calls
on the name of the Lord will be saved;
for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem
there will be deliverance, as the Lord has said,
even among the survivors
whom the Lord calls.
The LORD knows the depths of my sin and the sins committed against me. I am confident of my salvation. But I struggle to entrust my children fully to Him. I panic at the thought of them one day leaving home, never to return or acknowledge my love. I worry that the confusion of their past will harden their hearts against me and cause them to turn away. I desperately want to fix them, to change them, to help them see the beauty that can come from brokenness. The LORD knows the depths of depravity that my children's biological families exposed them to and evil deeds done against them in their innocence. The LORD knows I am incapable of healing their wounds, yet He entrusted their lives into my hands as their mother.
I must trust The One who will repay the years the locusts have eaten from our lives, the years of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and shame. I must trust the one who will provide the food to fill the bellies of the once hungry and terrified children so they will always have plenty to eat. I must trust The One who will pour out His Spirit on my sons and daughters, so they will tell of His work in their lives, how He is the one who brings deliverance to survivors.
I am the mother that He chose for my children, not because of my great wisdom, but because of my complete dependence upon His guidance. Because He is faithful, I am able to trust. And when I trust, I am able to enjoy the moments rather than worry the days away, missing the beauty of His hand in all of our lives, bringing all things together for good for those who love Him and are called by Him.
